[link] - memoir
My cat Tafi died today. She's had hyperthyroid since 2007, and today I found out that the fast heart rate that comes with it gave her congestive heart failure, and her lungs filled with fluid making it hard for her to breath. I had the vet euthanize her, it was the only thing I could do. The vet said its one of the worst cases she's seen, and that the only thing they could do to keep her alive longer would be to put her in an oxygen tent; I couldn't do that to my baby.
I can't help stop thinking I should have, if I'd done this, what if, why.
A few months after she was diagnosed, I tried talking to her intuitively, to ask her what she wanted done since the medication didn't seem to be helping. (she weighed 6.2 lbs at passing and throughout most of 2008) I asked her if she'd like to be euthanized, and if so, when. All I got from her was the number 3 - which I thought I might have made up, since many dates went by that corresponded to the number. 3 days, 3 weeks, 3 months.
But today is the third. So I believe that I didn't make it up, that she tell me when. And that makes it a little bit easier.
But I still can't walk past my living room without crying, and imagining her sleeping on the top of the couch, or waiting for me to bring her food, impatiently meowing. And I can't imagine never hearing her deep, blissful purr ever again. Their hasn't been a day I haven't heard it since I rescued her flea-ridden and starving. With the sedative before the final injection, it continued, slowly getting harder and harder to hear, until I couldn't hear it even with my head against her chest. I only heard the fast, blazing thing that was her heart.
I never realized how important she was to me, but she is. She trusted me, loved me, and I only hope that I deserved it and that I did the right thing.
I love you Tafi <3